Right now Emma is making herself anxious by saying negative things to herself about a job interview: “I am going to make a fool of myself. They’ll see right away that I’m nervous. My mind will probably go blank and blow the whole interview. I’ll just mess up as usual.
Emma is using self-talk to work herself into a frenzy. Her instructions to herself keep her on edge, anticipating rejection and failure. There is nothing in Emma’s self-talk that counter her dread and anxiety or that givers her instructions concerning how to handle the job interview effectively. No wonder she is a bundle of nerves.
Emma doesn’t realize she has choices concerning what she says to herself in stressful situation. She can train her mind to change her feelings, but first she must recognize she is in charge of her own self-talk program – playing out uninterrupted in her head – that she is responsible for making her anxious. Finally, she must take steps to change her program so that it works for, not against her.
Emma’s program is illustrative of that t play out in the minds of people, profoundly affecting their attitudes, feelings and behaviour. You, Like Emma and everyone else, have self-talk programs that govern your life. In a matter of seconds, for example you may be able to bring on a depressive episode, guilt or anger without even knowing how you created these feeling inside yourself.
To be fully in charge of yourself, you need to analyze the self-talk programs that play out inside your head and to make conscious decisions regarding whether to modify those programs. Here are steps that can help:
Identify your self -talk. As you experience an identifiable negative mood, write down all your self-talk for a period of several minutes. As situations occur during the week, sample your self-talk in writing a number of times a day until your have extensive record of the self-talk that is creating your moods.
Analyse what you’re saying. Assess your self-talk from several vantage points:
Labeling - The negative self-labels you can use to stereotype and to depress yourself are myriad - - fat, lazy, shy, clumsy, forgetful, loser, sloppy, careless, disorganized, irresponsible, etc. You could be suing labels like these dozens of times a day, saying think like, “I forgot to pick up the laundry. How stupid of me” or Jimmy left for school without completing his homework. I’m a terrible parent.”
Absolutely eliminate the labels. If you report to yourself, “I forgot to pick up the laundry.” End the sentence without the self-putdown. Instead if appropriate, think of a way of preventing the problem from happening again: “Maybe I could write myself a note next time so I don’t forget.”
“should and Ought” - Used frequently, these pesky verbs create loads of guilt. Instead of I” should have done a better job” say I chose to the job this way for a reason. Perhaps I can do it better next time.” Instead of “I ought to be more organized say. “I think I’ll work at being more organized. It probably would be to my advantage.
Gloom and pessimistic talk – you may be manufacturing hundreds of negative statements in your mind every day – think like “Nothing ever goes right for me,” “It’s no use!” “I just can’t take it any more,” or “It’s going to be another one of those days.”
If you find very many gloom and doom statements in your self-talk, decide to eliminate them from your repertoire.
Instead, substitute hopeful statements: “I’M going to look for things that go right today.” “if I keep trying, I will accomplish something.” I am a survivor. I can take it.” Take responsibility for creating positive experiences a positive self-talk for yourself.
Past hurts - Does your mind dwell on hurts that occurred weeks, months or even years ago? Does a new fresh incident recall numerous other times that you’ve been hurt by one person or another? If so, you may be suing selective self-talk – talk that blames others for wrongs they’ve perpetrated – but that does not assign any responsibility to you for events that have occurred.
Blaming talk that constantly reviews past hurts will keep you experiencing pain, depression and often anger.
Break the chain by deciding to confide your self-talk to the present hurt and to manage the problem by finding ways of releasing and letting go of the pain.
Interrupt entrenched programs. If you find you have any deeply ingrained self-talk programs that consume and immobilize you (similar t the one Emma used to create anxiety), try a technique know as “thought stoppers.” As soon as your into your automatic self talk program, break up the habituated thought sequence by giving yourself the command STOP! Then switch your thoughts to a pleasant and
Like the clipped, compelling command of a drill sergeant your command needs to be strong enough t produce at least a momentary break in your thought process. If your barked command does not achieve this effect make the disruptions stronger by slapping your thigh or a table top.
Use the STOP! Command as soon as and every time your mood programs starts playing out.
Reinforce your command by saying to yourself, “Right now I am making myself feel (angry, guilty, hurt, depressed, anxious, worried) and I refuse to continue overwhelming myself with these feelings.”
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