Grief Work
Grief is a process that allows us “to let go of that which was and be ready for that which is to come” and hence it is referred to as grief work. It requires the expenditure of mental, emotional and physical energy. It is typically portrayed as happening in predictable stages with forward movement conditional on the unique combination of psychological, social, emotional and character attributes available to the individual. Yet the path of healing and recovery from the loss can be encumbered with obstacles which can impede one’s progress toward timely resolution. The net effect is unresolved grief! Grieving is painful enough without prolonging the emotional burden. Recognizing counterproductive thoughts and behaviours can expedite the healing process and reestablish forward motion.
1. Absent Grief or All or Nothing Thinking
This is an extreme form of denial and leaves a person stuck in the shock, disbelief stage of grieving.
2. Inhibited Grief or Delayed Grief where a person sublimates the loss effectively side stepping the “grief work” on the premise others needs should take precedence over their own, or they are unwilling to face the emotional pain. Somatic complaints often surface as a reminder something important as been left unaddressed.
3. Overgeneralization
During uncertain times the perception of control over circumstances diminishes. Uncertainty can constitute a symbolic loss and can play upon one’s imagination where unprecedented events take on a stark new reality. Over engaging in this form of thinking and overgeneralizing present circumstance to an as yet unscripted future can lead to unnecessary worry and unproductive engagements.
4. Mental Filter or Conflicted Grief Feelings of anger or extreme guilt manifest when ambivalent feelings about the deceased or loss get in the way of resolution. Identifying with or dwelling on negative traits or exclusively positive one’s denies the range of feelings commonly associated with a loss.
5. Unanticipated Grief A sudden unanticipated loss is an assault upon the senses leaving in its wake shock, bewilderment, anxiety and self-reproach. This form of grief can take much longer to work through. 6. Mislabeling occurs when one uses overly colourful and emotionally loaded words to describe the gravity of the loss, the situation or the feelings being experienced. 7. Chronic Grief Holding onto grief is a behaviour rooted in perceptual distortions. i.e. using grief as a means to maintain an attachment with the deceased. This exhibits as intense yearning and is associated with the mourners over dependence on the individual. See: Why some people seem to prefer misery over happiness. 8. "Should" or “should have” Statements This is a tendency to focus on “only if” thoughts, rehashing past decisions or actions. Using "should have”" and "only if" in thoughts leads to guilt, anger, frustration and depression. 9. Emotional Reasoning Where the mourner misinterprets the strong feelings associated with the loss as evidence that the loss is much more serious than what logic, reason or evidence would suggest 10. Catastrophizing: A predisposition to predict future calamity, while ignoring one’s resilience capacity or the possibility of a positive future. Example: Constant worry about problems at home and imagining the worst possible scenario. 11. Jumping to Conclusions A tendency to interpret things negatively and jump to conclusions that are not supported by the facts. This is similar to emotional reasoning. Another variant is a form of fortune telling where one predicts the future based on present circumstances. Another is mind-reading where one erroneously assumes others are thinking or feeling what they are or cannot begin to feel what they feel. This leads to feelings of isolation, helplessness and loss of hope. 12. Self-blame Self-blame occurs when you hold yourself responsible for an event that may not be under your control generating feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and depression. Other-blame is when you hold other people responsible overlooking how circumstances might have contributed to them. This results in frustration, resentment, and anger.
Factors contributing to unresolved grief is a composite from several sources including those identified by Therese Rando from Grief, Dying and Death.
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