1. Don’t catastrophize or generalize a setback.
It feels good when things work according to plan. We even count on it, but according to the law of averages there will be times when things do not work out as planned. How we handle these important times will shape how emotionally resilient we are for the next experience. Rejection, negative feedback are eventualities we all have to face, it doesn’t mean you’re never going to be successful, or it doesn’t mean you cannot become better at it. Seek elements in the feedback to improve the results.
If you find yourself getting down on yourself, ask am I catastrophizing or over generalizing.
2. Be gentle on yourself about your imperfections, mistakes, and the times when you’re not
as good at something as you’d like to be.
If you can learn to be kinder to yourself about your imperfections and acknowledge you are a work in progress you won’t automatically jump to feeling attacked when other people make comments. The self talk you engage in can serve to lift or demean Choose the kinder talk!
3. What ere thou art act well thy part.
Being professional and assertive presents an image of ‘I am OK with me.’ Defensiveness, excuses and excessive apologizing belies insecurity and self doubts. Remind yourself to act the way you want to be and portray an image of competence and control. These attributes are admired and garner respect. Be someone who invites feedback as a reflection of your desire for self improvement. Others are more likely to offer it candidly when they recognize that you or more concerned about doing something better than having your ego stroked.
4. Learn to label your emotions accurately
Emotions can drive thoughts as much as thoughts drive emotions.
A hallmark of emotional intelligence is the capacity to accurately identify what it is you are feeling. The feelings are not the problem, but what they trigger can get you in to trouble. (e.g., anxiety, embarrassment, disappointment, anger.) If you can label your emotional reactions accurately, you can then focus on doing some appropriate self-talk to deal with that emotion. Schooling the feelings to work for you rather than against you will give a sense of control and power. Labeling the emotion accurately sets the stage for a rational resolution. Unbridled emotions do exactly the opposite. The things people do to try to “get rid of” their emotions usually end up causing more harm than good.
5. Stepping outside one’s comfort zone will generate some degree of stress. With any new or novel experience will come the possibility of failure or rejection, yet the payoff for perseverance can be substantial.
Doing things like making requests when you expect you might be told “no” will help you learn that rejection often isn’t personal and failure is the price you pay to gain confidence. Learning from mistakes opens another avenue for knowledge, understanding and experience.
6. People pleasing tips the balance scale of equality
Trying too hard to make people like you shifts the balance of power and opens the way to abuses of that power. In reality people pleasing is a bid for control, but an ineffectual approach. Enduring relationships are all about balance. Being bold without being abrasive, assertive without being aggressive, firm while still being gentle. If you act excessively eager to please, you’ll inevitably generate resentment as such behaviour tends to negate one’s own deeper longings and that is a kick starter for depressive feelings.
7. Believe in your capacity to become the person you want to be.
Think on what you have learned, skills you have acquired, relationships you have established and developed and the core values that make you who you are. Taking the time and finding the means to incorporate this knowledge and express these values is the path to meaningful relationships.
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