Individuals with good self esteem are characterized as confident, self-assured, assertive, not afraid of conflict, yet able to avoid contention. They welcome a challenge, expect to be successful, yet do not gloat on victories or wallow in defeat. It is in the social domain that strong self esteem is most evident. When confronted with an angry, confused or just simply unaware individual, someone with good self esteem will rarely escalate but rather takes a conciliatory tone and attempts to teach, inform or correct the misunderstanding or allow space for the strong feelings to moderate.
Self esteem is arguably the most reliable measure of well-being, yet hard to self assess, not easy to define, let alone construct, never the less very desirable. At the core of self esteem theory is that everyone has an intrinsic ‘value’ a set point if you will that defines or overlies a set of beliefs they have about themselves. This collective sense predetermines how they will act in a given set of circumstances. The set point is not easy to get past as it will always be constrained by the limiting fences of self perception.
There ae a variety of reasons for diminished self esteem. There is indeed merit in correcting the perceptual distortions or erroneous self beliefs inhibiting progress. Yet there is also merit in looking forward, examining the elements and attributes contributing to a more positive sense of self and working to that end. Having this goal in mind is certainly more self encouraging to personal progress than focusing on what we are not. There is ample evidence from research into human behaviour to suggest this alternative approach is preferable.
Ironically, it is not fear of our inadequacies, weaknesses and shortcomings that hold us back, but rather fear of our possibilities. To quote Maryann Williamson
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Confidence is the biproduct of action and courage is the antidote for fear. Having the courage to act as if you already have the confidence will become an attitude of mind and a pattern of behaviour.
Another core element of confidence is self respect
Visually we can see this by using a canoe analogy. When in a loaded canoe one has to be mindful of amount of the canoe above the waterline – ‘free board’ and the amount below- draft. One canoe may sit high in the water, another low in the water. This may only present a problem in rough water. Those with more free board will enjoy a greater measure of safety. Those with more self-esteem will be able to manage rougher waters. Self-esteem like free board opens up new opportunities to go places, do and see things one would otherwise avoid.
Applying this simple story to real life encounters with people can help one gauge very quickly if they have self-esteem sufficient to meet most of life's challenges. Just pay attention -- do they ridicule or demean others, quickly find fault or do they look for opportunities to help and lift others. It is surprising how these particular characteristics quickly shed light on the status of a person's self esteem.
Understanding our own characteristics, recognizing the traits defined by temperament and those reflected by character provide useful insight into how and even why we approach situations in particular ways. Understanding one's characteristics does not necessarily endow one with acceptance of those characteristics. Yet it is acceptance of who we are which is the forerunner of positive self esteem. This does not mean we have to like every trait or behaviour that surfaces, but rather it means we have to acknowledge where we are at along the continuum of personal progress and take ownership of what is involved to make needed changes. It means looking for the good and capitalizing on existing strengths to shore up perceived character deficits. It is relying on strengths that allows one to move forward. They serve as catalysts for growth. Over focusing on what we are not only serves to undermine resolve and eat away at motivation and self esteem.
A temperament inventory and a character attribute analysis is a good place to start. As Plato said 'to know thyself is the beginning of understanding" and a secure base on which to formulate a plan for personal change. As we chip away at the faults and replace them with positive attributes we begin to recognize the power to change is within us and the enabling influence of self respect will ensure increased capacity to move forward.
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